Echo echo...

Hello neglected blog :)
sorry i havent been here in yonkers, i guess it did its job at the time i needed it to. when the thoughts and emotions wouldnt leave my head id pour them out onto here. but i guess eventually my head settled down and i didnt need to write so often.

Jacks birthday is next week. i dont know what the fuck we're meant to do?? im thinking of just getting a cake to have with the kids after tea maybe. its an odd situation.

We're gearing up for the birth of our third daughter in a few weeks, so far all is looking great. im struggling, scared, paranoid, everything really. i cant do all of this again.

Here's our newest munchkin at 32.5 weeks,looking very much like her big brother :)

plodding along

We are on the eve of double didgets. 10 weeks tomorrow :)
I havent seen bub yet, or a doctor for that matter. but i have faith that everything is going as it should be.

Have had a relatively easy go of it this time around. no real morning sickness to mention, the odd wave of omg im going to spew, but most days are good, feeling insatiably tired, but thats nothing unusual. No heart palps again, this pregnancy is tending much like Jacks, which freaks me out a little bit tbh.

Trying to figure out names, i want to start calling this baby by its name so we can associate all the things that were meant for Jack with this baby.
i really hope its not a girl, it sounds horrible but it will break my heart if it is.

going to the docs in the next week or two. if i didnt need more insulin i probably wouldnt bother for another few weeks, ah well, cant avoid it forever i suppose

Here we go again

5 months since our boy left us. 2 month of trying and we have exciting news.
on CD 9 i caved stupidly and tested, slight bfp, but so feint i hardly counted it. CD 10, same thing. CD 11,12,13 Bfn's, feeling very very disheartened.
CD 14, the day AF is due, theres no sign of the wicked witch, so i test, bfn again.
i cry, why is my body working AGAINST me, where is my period FFS!!! hurry up and come so we can get moving onto the next cycle and closer to our rainbow baby. Every time i feel moisture down below my heart sinks and i begrudgingly drag myself to the loo to check, but theres nothing. i have no signals shes coming, and no signals that im pregnant either, its all too frustrating.
CD 15, again no af,WTF IS GOING ON!!!! i did a hpt, went and made a coffee and came back in to check the result fully expecting another negative, but i wasnt, it was faint, but clear. I smile and then burst into happy tear, i havent cried happy tears in a long time and i just couldnt stop, my whole body was shaking, i tried to msg the BFF but it just wasnt happening! i got there in the end.

So here we go again, the baby that was never meant to be here has been concieved. Have we done the right thing? who knows, but its nice to feel happy again. I worry this baby will one day find out that it would never hve been if its big brother hadnt of died, i wonder how it will react? getting a bit ahead of myself here, we need to get it earth side before worrying about those things!
But for now, its tiny heart beats and thats all i can ask for :)
oh and ive got my money on it being a girl!

Stupid dreams

I had a dream, the hospital rang us to say that Jack was alive, they'd taken him from the morgue and all he needed was to be warmed up. i posted on fb that a miracle had happened and Jack would be coming home after all. i got my things together and left for the hospital. i felt so so so indesribably happy.
Ive felt that happyness before, the day i found out i was pregnant with each of my children, the day we found out that Jack was a Jack and not a Grace, and the day the girls were born.
The kind of happyness the completely envelops you and nothing can touch u.
I got to the hospital and could hear a baby crying in the distance, my Jack was calling for me.
It wasnt Jack, it was Izzy hollering for a midnight cuddle. I felt deflated, sad and empty. I went to Iz and layed down with her on the couch and sobbed. She cuddled me and rubbed my back and kept saying ok mummy ok. She's not even 2 yet.
Stupid fucking dream.

I have some things going on with my family, i've made decisions that they arent going to like, but it is how it is, i dont really care anymore. It's going to make my life hell but its not my fault if they dont understand it.

Rainbow is gone

title says it all i think.
im sick of being tested, im sick of prooving my strength to the universe, why? leave me the fuck alone now please, im not a bad person, i do not deserve this shit.
i know why mums kill themselves after loosing a child now, its not to be with their babies, its the thought of finally having no pain, some days it looks like a better option instead of living this crap every day, not that i could ever leave my earth babies like that.

i may or may not have fucked up a few friendships.
i told 2 close friends that i needed a break from them, theyve both told me theyre trying for a baby.
it didnt go down so well. i knew they wouldnt get it, but i didnt expect to be made to feel like the biggest asshole in the universe.
i dont get it though one of the friends hasnt talked to me in i dont know how long, she tells me how hurt and how sad she is that i need to take a step back, but she cant even send me so much as a txt msg saying, hey sorry i havent been online lately, just seeing how u are...it takes what...all of 2 minutes to do that? i get people are busy, but im sure u can spare 2 minutes

think about it for a second, you're going to post ultrasound photos. the last time i looked at an ultrasound my son was laying there perfectly still, why the fuck do u think id be ok looking at your happy healthy growing baby? i didnt even know if i want to look at my own ultrasound photos when the time comes! whats the point in oooing and ahhhing and getting attatched to a little person if theres no garuntee that your going to get to keep them?
you're going to post belly photo's, i cant even bring myself to do grocery shopping some days because i dont want to see pregnant people.
You're going to post photos of your baby, and unintention slap in the face to me saying look what i have and u cant.
dont get me wrong i am happy for my friends to be expanding their families, but really? its only been 4 months, not 4 years, what part of telling me, hey ur son just died but we're going to have another baby soon did u think id be ok with?
i was talking to sam about it and she said that if her and her hubby wanted antoher baby there would be no way in hell she'd even think about trying until i told her it was ok, god love her.
i dont expect anyone to put their lives on hold on account of me, but i wish people would understand that my thoughts, feelings and reactions are valid, even if you really cant understand them.
i dont know when or even if i'll be ok with it, maybe i will be once i have a living baby, maybe i wont i dont know, its not a question i can answer right now. i just need a break to work on coping strategies and acceptance of this.

Dear Jack

Dear Jack,
Today i found out that your little brother or sister is growing in my belly.
Please guide this baby to mummy and daddy safely.
If they have to be with u in heaven please takt them soon, i couldnt bare to hold a baby that looks like you in my arms again knowing that they cant stay.
Thank you for this Jack, keep me sane, keep me calm, keep me safe.
I love you little boy
Mummy xxx

making babies

We're in month 2 of the baby making game, how funny is it for me to say that this is the longest we've tried! pmsl, sad huh?
BFF says i can just look at Mr man and fall pregnant, sad but true.
Last month was bust, cycles are still a bit short, day 14 i thought i was getting my period, turns out it was ovulation pains! ah well, cant rush these things, just have to trust my body to do its thing, which given it stop supporting my baby and stopped making insulin, both very basic things, im really struggling to trust it.
I've been having second thoughts on having another baby, im not sure im ready yet.
I've just started riding again, prospect to buy a horse in sep/oct, i love rding, i feel free when its just me and a pony.
The girls are growing and growing izzy's becoming a little girl more and more everyday, not my little bubba anymore. Cha starts school next yr, i dont know if i want to be carting a newborn to and from school in those first few weeks. and to be honest im really just enjoying having the girls.
I dunno, maybe now that we're actually trying its scaring me that it could happen. Iworry about how my body will handle another pregnancy so soon, iz was 7 months old when i fell with Jack, not exactly back too back but very very close. after this baby is born, regardless of the outcome, thats it, no more, im so done with having babies.
Im travelling ok i guess, the further away we get from Jacks birthday the more it feels like a dream (read nightmare) and didnt actually happen.