Yearnings

I've got that yearning again, the same one i had in the weeks before Jacks conception.
i want need to be pregnant.
You might think i'm nuts wanting another baby so soon after loosing Jack, but i can assure i'm not. apparently its a normal reaction to have after babyloss. you go through a whole entire pregnancy, all the aches and pains and complaints and u birth that beautiful baby and come home with nothing. 9 months of prepairing, 9 months of organising, 9 months of shopping, 9 months of dreaming....and nothing.

i need to do it, to know it wasnt my body that took Jack, to feel life growing and moving inside me again, for some hope and some light, something to look forward to.

The thought of being pregnant again scares me shitless, i know it wont be an easy ride, i know i wont breathe until that baby is in my arms, a baby who turns pink, a baby born warm that stays warm, a baby that comes home with us.

I've spoken very briefly to Mr man about it, he said he didnt know if he could, which i totally understand.
But i have a brand new boori cot that needs a baby in it, i have a wardrobe full of clothes and cloth nappies that need to be worn, i have a brand new swing that needs to settle a cranky baby, a brand new bouncer that needs to hold a sleeping baby, a brand new playmat that needs to see eyes of wonder and excitement. but most importantly i have empty arms that need to be filled.

let there be light

I went into his room today. i opened the door, walked in and opened the blind to brighten the room up a bit, had a quick look around and walked out.
it feels good.
i took his door hanger off his door. i'd painted it at around 28 weeks for him. i put it in his memory box with all his other special things

It's a funny thing when your baby dies (well maybe funny isnt the right word, but the right word escapes me right now) noone asks how big he was, how long, who's features did he get?i dont know if its because they dont want to know or if its because they're too scared to ask, sometimes i still tell people, other times i just dont. I love talking about how gorgeous my boy was, i wish people would ask more often.

But for the record, he was 3.72kgs, or 8pd 2, 54cms long, my big tall boy. he looked just like izzy when she was born, same angry face, i jokingly asked Mr man why we make such angry looking babies! he had the sweetest squishy little button nose, gorgeous chubby cheeks. Mr mans bottom lip and his weird pointy out big toes. and the longest most delicate fingers. and his hair, oh his hair! our girls have gorgeous red hair, and we were expecting Jack to have much the same, but he had a head full of dark ash blonde hair with only the slightest hint of red in it. he truley was gorgeous

having a bad morning

It's only 830am, and ive already cried a river of tears.
It's been a week since our boys funeral and i still havent gone to visit him. i dont know whats holding me back. maybe it makes it real when u go to the cemetery? i dont know.

They say what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger. Well then something kill me, i dont want to be strong anymore

A day out

What do people do when they're feeling down?? lots of things i spose. Me i like to shop. and today i did just that.
Mum and i spent a whole day out at a shopping centre and spent waay to much money on a variety of things. Most importantly though i bought a ring, amethyst and diamonds. Jacks birthstone. im so in love with it. The store we found it in had the same ring but in about 4 sizes too small, so the lady rang their other store and what do u know? same ring in my exact size. i'm a huge believer in signs and took that as one.

Mum and i lunched and coffeed. My mum, my go to girl. i still call her mummy when i need her. i called her mummy the second i saw her face the day we found out Jack died. i've shared everything about Jack with her, she's one of the 2 or 3 people who know everything, how i really feel right now, my plans for the future. i'm so glad i can talk to her about my son, her grandson, with a smile on my face, remembering all the beautiful details that were him.


Mr man shed a few tears today, the first since Jacks funeral, all he did was go into the nursery to put the vaccum cleaner in there out of the way because we have builders coming over in the morning. that room always bought us soo much joy. We'd often go in there in there and look at the mountains of clothes and nappies and soft toys. its such a beautiful room.
i havent been in there myself, not for 2 weeks and 1 day, i cant yet

2 weeks already

How has it been 2 weeks since we found out?? how has it been 13 days since we birthed our precious boy?
its not like our days are geling into one because of the lack of sleep due to night feeds..we weren't allowed to experience that.
how has 2 weeks of sadness and heartache gone so quickly??

i'm tired, i've never felt more tired in my whole life. i could honestly sleep for a whole 24hours without even realising it. But our two chickens wont let that happen. people tell us we're lucky we already have kids, a reason to get up everyday. but are we really? for me already having kids is a constant reminder of what we're missing out on.

i ache, my whole body from top to toe aches all day.

That big black hole is trying to get me, i feel like i'm in a constant daily battle trying to fill it in before it gets too big and swallows me, it's exhausting.

2 whole entire weeks

Why us???

Loosing your baby is like a cruel twisted joke the universe plays on you.
The universe gives u life and lets u grow it for as many weeks as it thinks is funny, then takes that life away from you. Taking with it the innocence and pleasure that is pregnancy.

It takes away that little life, it doesnt allow your baby to ever hear u say i love you as clear as day, sure you've told ur baby that a million and one times whilst it was in your belly, but it was muffled.
It doesnt allow your baby to ever see its parents who had yearned for so long for this perfect little person.

Why was that taken from us?? i'm a good person, i'm not perfect i know that, but i've never done anything bad enough to warrant this kind of kharma.i give my all to my family, i've been through enough in my life to not warrant this surely? my beautiful family has never done anything to deserve this kind of heartache.

i was so ready for son, sure the love is no different to what you have for a daughter, but a little boy all of my own. my hopes and dreams for his life, snatched, my visions of him as a lanky footy playing teenager, snatched.
My fiance, his one wish was for a son, i gave him one, but not in the right sense. he works soo damn hard for his family, did he not deserve something he truley wanted??? his mini bomber, his mini me.
Our girls, so pure and innocent in all this, knew they were getting a brother, they knew Jack was on his way to us. why were they robbed a relationship with their brother??
Why was it that the only thing they got to do with him, was say hello and goodbye??
fuck you universe.