plodding along

We are on the eve of double didgets. 10 weeks tomorrow :)
I havent seen bub yet, or a doctor for that matter. but i have faith that everything is going as it should be.

Have had a relatively easy go of it this time around. no real morning sickness to mention, the odd wave of omg im going to spew, but most days are good, feeling insatiably tired, but thats nothing unusual. No heart palps again, this pregnancy is tending much like Jacks, which freaks me out a little bit tbh.

Trying to figure out names, i want to start calling this baby by its name so we can associate all the things that were meant for Jack with this baby.
i really hope its not a girl, it sounds horrible but it will break my heart if it is.

going to the docs in the next week or two. if i didnt need more insulin i probably wouldnt bother for another few weeks, ah well, cant avoid it forever i suppose

Here we go again

5 months since our boy left us. 2 month of trying and we have exciting news.
on CD 9 i caved stupidly and tested, slight bfp, but so feint i hardly counted it. CD 10, same thing. CD 11,12,13 Bfn's, feeling very very disheartened.
CD 14, the day AF is due, theres no sign of the wicked witch, so i test, bfn again.
i cry, why is my body working AGAINST me, where is my period FFS!!! hurry up and come so we can get moving onto the next cycle and closer to our rainbow baby. Every time i feel moisture down below my heart sinks and i begrudgingly drag myself to the loo to check, but theres nothing. i have no signals shes coming, and no signals that im pregnant either, its all too frustrating.
CD 15, again no af,WTF IS GOING ON!!!! i did a hpt, went and made a coffee and came back in to check the result fully expecting another negative, but i wasnt, it was faint, but clear. I smile and then burst into happy tear, i havent cried happy tears in a long time and i just couldnt stop, my whole body was shaking, i tried to msg the BFF but it just wasnt happening! i got there in the end.

So here we go again, the baby that was never meant to be here has been concieved. Have we done the right thing? who knows, but its nice to feel happy again. I worry this baby will one day find out that it would never hve been if its big brother hadnt of died, i wonder how it will react? getting a bit ahead of myself here, we need to get it earth side before worrying about those things!
But for now, its tiny heart beats and thats all i can ask for :)
oh and ive got my money on it being a girl!

Stupid dreams

I had a dream, the hospital rang us to say that Jack was alive, they'd taken him from the morgue and all he needed was to be warmed up. i posted on fb that a miracle had happened and Jack would be coming home after all. i got my things together and left for the hospital. i felt so so so indesribably happy.
Ive felt that happyness before, the day i found out i was pregnant with each of my children, the day we found out that Jack was a Jack and not a Grace, and the day the girls were born.
The kind of happyness the completely envelops you and nothing can touch u.
I got to the hospital and could hear a baby crying in the distance, my Jack was calling for me.
It wasnt Jack, it was Izzy hollering for a midnight cuddle. I felt deflated, sad and empty. I went to Iz and layed down with her on the couch and sobbed. She cuddled me and rubbed my back and kept saying ok mummy ok. She's not even 2 yet.
Stupid fucking dream.

I have some things going on with my family, i've made decisions that they arent going to like, but it is how it is, i dont really care anymore. It's going to make my life hell but its not my fault if they dont understand it.

Rainbow is gone

title says it all i think.
im sick of being tested, im sick of prooving my strength to the universe, why? leave me the fuck alone now please, im not a bad person, i do not deserve this shit.
i know why mums kill themselves after loosing a child now, its not to be with their babies, its the thought of finally having no pain, some days it looks like a better option instead of living this crap every day, not that i could ever leave my earth babies like that.

i may or may not have fucked up a few friendships.
i told 2 close friends that i needed a break from them, theyve both told me theyre trying for a baby.
it didnt go down so well. i knew they wouldnt get it, but i didnt expect to be made to feel like the biggest asshole in the universe.
i dont get it though one of the friends hasnt talked to me in i dont know how long, she tells me how hurt and how sad she is that i need to take a step back, but she cant even send me so much as a txt msg saying, hey sorry i havent been online lately, just seeing how u are...it takes what...all of 2 minutes to do that? i get people are busy, but im sure u can spare 2 minutes

think about it for a second, you're going to post ultrasound photos. the last time i looked at an ultrasound my son was laying there perfectly still, why the fuck do u think id be ok looking at your happy healthy growing baby? i didnt even know if i want to look at my own ultrasound photos when the time comes! whats the point in oooing and ahhhing and getting attatched to a little person if theres no garuntee that your going to get to keep them?
you're going to post belly photo's, i cant even bring myself to do grocery shopping some days because i dont want to see pregnant people.
You're going to post photos of your baby, and unintention slap in the face to me saying look what i have and u cant.
dont get me wrong i am happy for my friends to be expanding their families, but really? its only been 4 months, not 4 years, what part of telling me, hey ur son just died but we're going to have another baby soon did u think id be ok with?
i was talking to sam about it and she said that if her and her hubby wanted antoher baby there would be no way in hell she'd even think about trying until i told her it was ok, god love her.
i dont expect anyone to put their lives on hold on account of me, but i wish people would understand that my thoughts, feelings and reactions are valid, even if you really cant understand them.
i dont know when or even if i'll be ok with it, maybe i will be once i have a living baby, maybe i wont i dont know, its not a question i can answer right now. i just need a break to work on coping strategies and acceptance of this.

Dear Jack

Dear Jack,
Today i found out that your little brother or sister is growing in my belly.
Please guide this baby to mummy and daddy safely.
If they have to be with u in heaven please takt them soon, i couldnt bare to hold a baby that looks like you in my arms again knowing that they cant stay.
Thank you for this Jack, keep me sane, keep me calm, keep me safe.
I love you little boy
Mummy xxx

making babies

We're in month 2 of the baby making game, how funny is it for me to say that this is the longest we've tried! pmsl, sad huh?
BFF says i can just look at Mr man and fall pregnant, sad but true.
Last month was bust, cycles are still a bit short, day 14 i thought i was getting my period, turns out it was ovulation pains! ah well, cant rush these things, just have to trust my body to do its thing, which given it stop supporting my baby and stopped making insulin, both very basic things, im really struggling to trust it.
I've been having second thoughts on having another baby, im not sure im ready yet.
I've just started riding again, prospect to buy a horse in sep/oct, i love rding, i feel free when its just me and a pony.
The girls are growing and growing izzy's becoming a little girl more and more everyday, not my little bubba anymore. Cha starts school next yr, i dont know if i want to be carting a newborn to and from school in those first few weeks. and to be honest im really just enjoying having the girls.
I dunno, maybe now that we're actually trying its scaring me that it could happen. Iworry about how my body will handle another pregnancy so soon, iz was 7 months old when i fell with Jack, not exactly back too back but very very close. after this baby is born, regardless of the outcome, thats it, no more, im so done with having babies.
Im travelling ok i guess, the further away we get from Jacks birthday the more it feels like a dream (read nightmare) and didnt actually happen.

no christmas baby for us :(

*sigh* AF just showed, early!
this cycle was 28 days instead of my usual 32, beats a 14 day cycle though i suppose.
and the bit that pisses me off the most? i did a HPT this morning, negative obviously, and then the bitch shows up in the arvo! one of my mega pet peeves, if it had of just been there this morning i wouldnt have wasted $9 on a bloody test

Please be ready

To my wonderful,beautiful uterus, please be ready to house another baby this month and don't disappoint me like you did last month by sending af to me waaaay too early. Little Eggies please be ready to create life for us once again. All going well in 17 days we will know one way or another.
I'm not announcing my next pregnancy to the masses. I don't think I could handle being congratulated. What's to be congratulated on? The fact that my body can do a basic function? We all know I can fall pregnant as easily as I can breathe it's not something I need to be congratulated on. Congratulate me when my next child is born alive.

Night wandering

I'm like a ghost in my own house at night, the wonderful exhaustive sleep that saw me through the first few weeks after loosing Jack is well and truley gone.
I cant get to sleep, i try serveral times a night to get there but i cant. i go to bed, lie there with my brain going 100 miles an hour, thinking of lots of things, my beautiful boy, the day he was born, fantasising different outcomes, none of them leaving him at the hospital, another baby.
i get up, wander around, clean things, fold things, put things away, make a hot chocolate, have a smoke, try again. NOPE, up i get again and repeat the process.
eventually i get to sleep, then morning comes, the kids are hollering and i just dont want to get out of bed and could sleep all day. Why does this only hit me when its dark? i'm tired, beyond tired, i look like absolute shit because i'm so tired, but still i cant sleep.
Mum gave me some rescue remedy sleep stuff, will give that a go tonight

2 weeks between posts

its been a long 2 weeks.
Mr man and i have had so many lows with each other, i've been so depressed and moody.
But things have turned a corner. We're going to have another baby :)
I got AF again today, two weeks to the since i got my first one post baby. its annoying me to no end, i thought i was close to ovulating but not to be this month. Ah well, they say good things come to those who wait, so wait we shall! not that we have any choice.

We passed Jacks two month angelversary yesterday, was a tough day. Wednesdays are still tough without any triggers they're always hard to deal with

24/03/2011

Today i got my period back.....lots to think about

this sums up my life perfectly

I am wearing a pair of shoes
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair
.Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are, might make them uncomfortable
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child 

Poems that have touched me

What makes a mother?
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When you baby's not with you?"

"You, you can," He replied
With Confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part.

butterflies

At Jack's funeral we released 12 individual monarch butterflies, they all flew away bar one.
that little butterfly sat on DD2's dress for a while, then flew onto DD1, then onto the headband i was wearing and eventually flew onto the flowers next to Jack's resting place.
The other week i was sitting on the couch looking on the computer, DD1 was at kinder and DD2 was in her room napping. i heard a tapping on the window opposite me, ilooked up and there was a monarch butterfly flapping away in the window

every time i drive my car during the day i see atleast 1 monarch butterfly fly past my windscreen. the other day while out with my mum i looked in the rear view mirror and there was a monarch butterfly following the car.
I was stopped at lights on monday and one nearly flew into my car.

Everytime i return home from somewhere there's always a butterfly here to greet me, last week one tried to come into the front door.

Mum and i had coffee on sunday, while we were waiting to be served a beuatiful monarch butterfly flew through the cafe right near us.

My DF used to laugh at us when we'd mention the butterflies we'd seen. He went to visit Jack last monday at the cemetary, he was starting to cry when a monarch butterfly flew right past his face and settle and on Jack's headstone, now he doesnt laugh at us.

Noone can tell me that i'm more aware of butterflies now and that they've always been there i just hadnt noticed them. our loved ones always show us theyre about, we just need to open our hearts and minds and allow them to do so

6 weeks ago

6 weeks ago i birthed my beautiful boy, on monday night he got a new playmate.
I'm still in shock about it, and im almost in a mini grieving process. i'm quite suprise about how this news has affected me, i always felt sad for people when they had misscarriages or late losses, but my heart has never ached for them like it has been doing the last few days.
all i want to do is be by the angels mums side and take it all away from it, i know i can bare this pain, i want to bare her pain so she doesnt feel it anymore.
life is so cruel to people.
Fly free sweet angel, i hope u and Jack are having a tonne of fun up there.
Miss u like crazy baby boy xxx

pain

How can a person be in so much pain and not die?
the pain i feel is so totally undescribable, so deep and unwavering. i wake up with it and i go to sleep with it,trudge through my day with it. will it ever leave me alone??

Back to where we started

Today is not a good day, today i feel like i'm starting the grieving process again.
Today i had an post natal appointment. today i found out what took my son from us, today i feel like dying.
We were told on that tuesday that there were no noticable signs of why he had died, and given he already had a heart defect it was most likely that he had had a sort of heart attack. He didnt, his heart was perfect.
I could deal with the fact it was his heart, something so unpredictable and unpreventable, his heart just wasnt strong enough, this is what ive told myself for the past month.

But no, my body took him, my placenta failed to keep him alive.
The thursday before he died i'd had a scan, they saw that the placenta was starting to slow and asked me to come back on the tuesday to have a look again to decide what to do. before i left i said to the obstetrician, nothing drastic is going to happen between now and then is it?
She said no and that she was probably just being overlly cautious...not cautious enough bitch!
i left there feeling very uneasy about having a placenta that was slowing down. i spent a good few hours talking to my best friend about it and decided if it was still the same on the tuesday i was going to demand to be induced.

i keep being told its not my fault, that i shouldnt blame myself, but i do, i should have followed my gut that it wasnt right. instead i said nothing and now he's gone. I dont know how to deal with this, i dont know how im going to tell Mr man.
i shouldnt be suprised my body failed me, it cant preform the simple task of producing insulin for fuck sake.

'Rapid placental deterioration' thats what they called it.
Next time we'll monitor u more closely, next time we'll take action as soon as we notice a change, next time it will be a different outcome.
Next time???? what the fuck about this time??? was Jack just a guinea pig to 'see' what would happen? to 'see' how far u bastards could push my placenta??
I'm so angry, i hate myself so much.

Obstetrician said nothing about me wanting to try again soon, he said he looked forward to seeing me soon.

There's a cricket sitting next to me as i write this....there ment to be lucky right?

misc (ie- cant think of a relevant title!)

i'm sitting here in complete silence, something i used to enjoy thoroughly. Charlotte is at kinder, izzy's having a nap. Now i hate it! Whenever i sit in true silence i'm taken back to the moment Jack was born....nothing, no sounds, just the humming of the air conditioner.
At home now, its all too similar, but the humming is from the fish tank and Jack is only in my memory.

I have a post natal appointment at the hospital tomorrow, i dont want to go, but i will, i'll take my book and try and drown out all the baby talk around me and the big pregnant bellies.

Mr man and i spoke about another baby the other day, didnt end well. He said he's not sure if he can do it again, which i understood until he elaborated. It has nothing to do with happened to Jack, he's not sure if he can go through the toddler stage again.........yep, purely because he doesnt like listening to kids cry..... my mind dead set exploded. Yes i know Izzy isnt exactly a bundle of joy at the moment, i know listening to her cry for 5 hours straight isnt pleasurable, but it passes, they grow up and before you know they're adults. i will keep working on him about. for me, that isnt a good enough reason.
i know he's telling the truth too, if it was because of Jack he'd say so.
There's so much condtradicting info on 'when' some places say to wait atleast one cycle, some say it takes 12 months to psycolologically recover from loosing a baby, some say theres no need to wait. It's all so confusing. I'm still bleeding so there isnt alot i can do about it at the moment anyway, which is driving me batty, but still i dnt know how long is long enough u know?
in all honesty i dont want to be prgnant again, the thought alone is enough to make me feel sick. but i want the baby at the end. i wish my wanting for another baby would fizzle away and leave me alone. for 12 long months i've wanted another baby in our lives to care for and watch grow with out girls, that hasnt changed one little bit, yeh we had a baby, but he;s not here with us now is he? we dont get to look after him and watch him grow. of course i still want that, i wish my friends could see it that way, not that they can till theyve been in my shoes i suppose....dont really know where this is going

so tired

i'm so tired today, i can barely keep my eyes open, but i have to incase the kids get into something.
My body feels so heavy, my 6ft frame struggling under my measely 63kgs.
i had my student midwife over today, she's so beautiful, we relived most of the details of Jacks birthing day...maybe thats why im suddenly so tired.
Another day playing tug of war with the dark side, i'll win one of these days and the darkness wont come to get me at all anymore.
until then, there's always yummy cookies!

strength

You're so strong, so brave, people keep telling me this. But what defines strength?
Do u see me as strong because i dont spend my every waking second crying? do u see me as strong because i go out to social events and mingle with everyone just like i used to? Do u see me as strong because i've buried one of my children and i'm still alive?
If you could garuntee me 150% that if i were to die tomorrow that i'd be reunited with my son, do u not think i'd do it in a heartbeat? But u cant garuntee me that, noone can. The fantasy of the afterlife is much better than the probable reality of things, but if u told me YES if u die your son will meet u at the pearly gates, i'd be there now.
Sometimes at night when everyones gone to bed and i'm alone with my thoughts, i wish i would die, just for an hour or so every night. I'd go to my son, pick him up and cuddle him, take in his every last detail again and tell him  i love him, then i'd rock him to sleep and gently put him back into his cot. Then i return to my earth body to take care of my earth children. Such a sweet fantasy, but thats all it will ever be, just a fantasy.
So am i strong? what makes everyone think that i am? sometimes i listen to them tell me im strong and question myself. Are they telling me i'm strong or are they asking me what the fuck is wrong with me because i am out and about and not in the corner rocking and crying? Why arent i in a corner rocking and crying? am i ment to? i feel like i'm hnadling things well, but perhaps i'm not, am i putting on a facade? i dont feel like i am, but maybe thats what grief is doing to me. What stage of grief am i honestly at right now? i have no idea. Maybe i am strong, maybe i'm lying to everyone and myself as well. i have no idea

A memory box

Thats all  i have left of my boy, i just bought him a new one, a beautiful white wooden box to put his treasures in.
At the moment his things are in a white box with pretty blue flowers on it given to us by the hospital, but its too small.
in reality i have a giant room sized memory box, full of things bought just for him. hopefully we can give our girls another brother so those things get to be used.

I have his photo's at the very bottom of the box, may seem cruel but i like the fact that i have to go through everything to get to them, some days i do it quickly, other days i take my time.
His box has the little shoes i bought to bring him home in, i discovered recently that those little shoes wouldnt have fit him anyway, i measured them against his footprints, my big footed little man, no wonder my ribs felt like they'd break while i was pregnant with him.
It has his yellow singlet and white body suit we put him in when he was born, the body suit says one in a million, he truley was.
It has his hospital bands, cord clamp and two locks of his hair, both in little baggies that i dare not take out for fear of loosing a single strand of his gorgeous hair in the carpet to be vaccumed up. i often hold the little baggie up into the sunlight to see its true colour.
It has the thinking of u cards we recieved from family and friends.
It has his 'my name is' hospital card in it, declaring him mine and Mr Mans.
It has letters from friends who sent gifts while i was pregnant.
It has the little triangle box that contained a single monarch butterfly that each of our family memebers released at his funeral.
A tiny little box, all thats left, full of his special treasures

Why blog if nobody reads it?

When we went to the funeral home to view our sons coffin the lady there said that writing can be theraputic.
i laughed internally when she said that. I remember as a school girl getting journals and diaries, i always promised my diary that i'd write in it once a week....i rarely ever got past 2 pages before forgetting about it. But maybe she was right, i blog, i write my inner most feelings on this page, but whats the point if nobody reads? do i even want anyone to read all of this?
At the moment blogging calms my mind, i can come on here and vomit all the things that are swimming around in my head constantly, releasing those words and feelings so that no longer clog up my brain, after i do i feel better, its out there now,out of my head and onto a screen where i can read it and not have to think it anymore.
i dont do many facebook status' anymore, i dont want to depress my friends with my thoughts and have them get tired of sending me cyber hugs. Truth be told, i love the cyber hugs as much as i love real ones, noone hugs me anymore, only Mr man and the kids, it would be nice to see some of my online friends to get real hugs. maybe one day i'll post a link to this blog on my facebook pge and let them all read it, then again maybe i wont. the thought of it for some reason makes me feel vulnerable, i dont know why. My friends wont see it that way, they'll all tell me they love me and theyre thinking of me, my friends, my villagers.

i have amazing friends, my best friend and i do coffee every sunday night, we've done so for the past 3 or 4 years, once a week we sit for hours and verbally vomit on each other, releasing the weeks goings on and our true feelings towards matters. There's barely been a week we've missed, the odd illness has kept us home and special occasions, but even the weeks we had our children we were back doing coffee, debriefing on the event. i love her, she's like my clone, we're so simliar in our thought patterns, but then so totally different in other ways. She lets me talk about Jack whenever i need to, even if its not coffee night, i just msg her and tell her i need to do coffee and she drops everything for me.

I have my interstaters. my crazy crazy coconuts. i love them all dearly, there hasnt been a day in the last two or so years since meeting that we havent spoken. They keep me sane, they tell it how it is.
My beautiful interstaters flew down for Jacks funeral to be here for me. something i'll never be able to thank them enough for. i wish i could show them how much it ment to me. i just wish they had of been able to stay longer. i felt like i was out of my own body that day and wasnt very talkative. i wanted to, i just didnt have the energy to do it, i just wanted to crawl into a ball and sleep. i spoke when i was spoken to, smiled when they laughed, but just couldnt find the words to speak, not that there was anything to say really, they already knew everything. i hope they'll forgive me for not being me when they flew half way across the country to be with me.

Then i have my other villagers, most of which i've never met in real life, but feel i've known forever.
Alot of those vllagers have given me gifts so unrepayable over the last few weeks. one in particular bought our boy a star, a real star, named Jack Ian Daly, for the rest of time there is a star in the galaxy thats named after our boy, a gift so overwhelming that i really dont know how to thank her. Then theres the beautiful women who msg me or email every few days to see how i am. most dont expect a reply and are just letting me know that theyre thinking of me. There is so much good in the world, and the true beauties have come out to bloom, i'm truley thankfull for all of them.

All my villagers act as the softest most lush pillow ever made, and they allow me to fall into it as hard as i need to, anytime i need to.
I only hope every babyloss parent has such an amazing village to help them through the dark times

*Humph*

Another shitty emotional day.
Izzy is sick and not sleeping, i think the lack of sleep is compounding everything at the moment.
Poor Mr man i feel like i'm neglecting him, i did a runner after dinner to do some shopping for clothes for the kids, i left him on sunday for a few hours too. i should do something nice for him, maybe some cuddles on the couch tomorrow night. scrap that, footy is on tomorrow night.i know what he really wants but not sure im ready to do that yet, we've already tried and it didnt end so well....story for another day!

i went to mums after shopping, left with a smile on my face because we talked about Jack. i didnt even bring him up, she did. feeling better than i did this afternoon and i have a stack of new clothes to make me look like a normal person too, score

what now?

I feel like im sitting completely still, unable to move or speak. The rest of the world passing me by in fast forward.
Our routine, everyones routine has return to normal and it feels so wrong.
The 'i should be's' are killing me, i should be having a cold dinner eating one handed while breastfeeding my baby, i should be snuggling in my bed feeding my baby, i should be putting my baby in the second seat in the pram, i should have a totally trashed house because my hours are so full with a child, toddler and a new born.
But im having hot meals, my house is spotless, my breasts leak the goodness that should be nourishing my baby...
I really need to stop with the i should be's.
i've missed Jack alot today, nothing particular about today has triggered it.
3 weeks since we saw our son and kissed him goodbye.
i need my sparkle back, i feel so flat and lifeless at the moment. i;m still tired, not as achey, but still so so tired.  trying to eat well and drink heaps of water, slowly getting back into excersize, trying to get my body back to what it was. SPD is still lingering but not nearly as bad as it was thank goodness. hopefully my body is kind to me and it doesnt return next time.

Yearnings

I've got that yearning again, the same one i had in the weeks before Jacks conception.
i want need to be pregnant.
You might think i'm nuts wanting another baby so soon after loosing Jack, but i can assure i'm not. apparently its a normal reaction to have after babyloss. you go through a whole entire pregnancy, all the aches and pains and complaints and u birth that beautiful baby and come home with nothing. 9 months of prepairing, 9 months of organising, 9 months of shopping, 9 months of dreaming....and nothing.

i need to do it, to know it wasnt my body that took Jack, to feel life growing and moving inside me again, for some hope and some light, something to look forward to.

The thought of being pregnant again scares me shitless, i know it wont be an easy ride, i know i wont breathe until that baby is in my arms, a baby who turns pink, a baby born warm that stays warm, a baby that comes home with us.

I've spoken very briefly to Mr man about it, he said he didnt know if he could, which i totally understand.
But i have a brand new boori cot that needs a baby in it, i have a wardrobe full of clothes and cloth nappies that need to be worn, i have a brand new swing that needs to settle a cranky baby, a brand new bouncer that needs to hold a sleeping baby, a brand new playmat that needs to see eyes of wonder and excitement. but most importantly i have empty arms that need to be filled.

let there be light

I went into his room today. i opened the door, walked in and opened the blind to brighten the room up a bit, had a quick look around and walked out.
it feels good.
i took his door hanger off his door. i'd painted it at around 28 weeks for him. i put it in his memory box with all his other special things

It's a funny thing when your baby dies (well maybe funny isnt the right word, but the right word escapes me right now) noone asks how big he was, how long, who's features did he get?i dont know if its because they dont want to know or if its because they're too scared to ask, sometimes i still tell people, other times i just dont. I love talking about how gorgeous my boy was, i wish people would ask more often.

But for the record, he was 3.72kgs, or 8pd 2, 54cms long, my big tall boy. he looked just like izzy when she was born, same angry face, i jokingly asked Mr man why we make such angry looking babies! he had the sweetest squishy little button nose, gorgeous chubby cheeks. Mr mans bottom lip and his weird pointy out big toes. and the longest most delicate fingers. and his hair, oh his hair! our girls have gorgeous red hair, and we were expecting Jack to have much the same, but he had a head full of dark ash blonde hair with only the slightest hint of red in it. he truley was gorgeous

having a bad morning

It's only 830am, and ive already cried a river of tears.
It's been a week since our boys funeral and i still havent gone to visit him. i dont know whats holding me back. maybe it makes it real when u go to the cemetery? i dont know.

They say what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger. Well then something kill me, i dont want to be strong anymore

A day out

What do people do when they're feeling down?? lots of things i spose. Me i like to shop. and today i did just that.
Mum and i spent a whole day out at a shopping centre and spent waay to much money on a variety of things. Most importantly though i bought a ring, amethyst and diamonds. Jacks birthstone. im so in love with it. The store we found it in had the same ring but in about 4 sizes too small, so the lady rang their other store and what do u know? same ring in my exact size. i'm a huge believer in signs and took that as one.

Mum and i lunched and coffeed. My mum, my go to girl. i still call her mummy when i need her. i called her mummy the second i saw her face the day we found out Jack died. i've shared everything about Jack with her, she's one of the 2 or 3 people who know everything, how i really feel right now, my plans for the future. i'm so glad i can talk to her about my son, her grandson, with a smile on my face, remembering all the beautiful details that were him.


Mr man shed a few tears today, the first since Jacks funeral, all he did was go into the nursery to put the vaccum cleaner in there out of the way because we have builders coming over in the morning. that room always bought us soo much joy. We'd often go in there in there and look at the mountains of clothes and nappies and soft toys. its such a beautiful room.
i havent been in there myself, not for 2 weeks and 1 day, i cant yet

2 weeks already

How has it been 2 weeks since we found out?? how has it been 13 days since we birthed our precious boy?
its not like our days are geling into one because of the lack of sleep due to night feeds..we weren't allowed to experience that.
how has 2 weeks of sadness and heartache gone so quickly??

i'm tired, i've never felt more tired in my whole life. i could honestly sleep for a whole 24hours without even realising it. But our two chickens wont let that happen. people tell us we're lucky we already have kids, a reason to get up everyday. but are we really? for me already having kids is a constant reminder of what we're missing out on.

i ache, my whole body from top to toe aches all day.

That big black hole is trying to get me, i feel like i'm in a constant daily battle trying to fill it in before it gets too big and swallows me, it's exhausting.

2 whole entire weeks

Why us???

Loosing your baby is like a cruel twisted joke the universe plays on you.
The universe gives u life and lets u grow it for as many weeks as it thinks is funny, then takes that life away from you. Taking with it the innocence and pleasure that is pregnancy.

It takes away that little life, it doesnt allow your baby to ever hear u say i love you as clear as day, sure you've told ur baby that a million and one times whilst it was in your belly, but it was muffled.
It doesnt allow your baby to ever see its parents who had yearned for so long for this perfect little person.

Why was that taken from us?? i'm a good person, i'm not perfect i know that, but i've never done anything bad enough to warrant this kind of kharma.i give my all to my family, i've been through enough in my life to not warrant this surely? my beautiful family has never done anything to deserve this kind of heartache.

i was so ready for son, sure the love is no different to what you have for a daughter, but a little boy all of my own. my hopes and dreams for his life, snatched, my visions of him as a lanky footy playing teenager, snatched.
My fiance, his one wish was for a son, i gave him one, but not in the right sense. he works soo damn hard for his family, did he not deserve something he truley wanted??? his mini bomber, his mini me.
Our girls, so pure and innocent in all this, knew they were getting a brother, they knew Jack was on his way to us. why were they robbed a relationship with their brother??
Why was it that the only thing they got to do with him, was say hello and goodbye??
fuck you universe.