i laughed internally when she said that. I remember as a school girl getting journals and diaries, i always promised my diary that i'd write in it once a week....i rarely ever got past 2 pages before forgetting about it. But maybe she was right, i blog, i write my inner most feelings on this page, but whats the point if nobody reads? do i even want anyone to read all of this?
At the moment blogging calms my mind, i can come on here and vomit all the things that are swimming around in my head constantly, releasing those words and feelings so that no longer clog up my brain, after i do i feel better, its out there now,out of my head and onto a screen where i can read it and not have to think it anymore.
i dont do many facebook status' anymore, i dont want to depress my friends with my thoughts and have them get tired of sending me cyber hugs. Truth be told, i love the cyber hugs as much as i love real ones, noone hugs me anymore, only Mr man and the kids, it would be nice to see some of my online friends to get real hugs. maybe one day i'll post a link to this blog on my facebook pge and let them all read it, then again maybe i wont. the thought of it for some reason makes me feel vulnerable, i dont know why. My friends wont see it that way, they'll all tell me they love me and theyre thinking of me, my friends, my villagers.
i have amazing friends, my best friend and i do coffee every sunday night, we've done so for the past 3 or 4 years, once a week we sit for hours and verbally vomit on each other, releasing the weeks goings on and our true feelings towards matters. There's barely been a week we've missed, the odd illness has kept us home and special occasions, but even the weeks we had our children we were back doing coffee, debriefing on the event. i love her, she's like my clone, we're so simliar in our thought patterns, but then so totally different in other ways. She lets me talk about Jack whenever i need to, even if its not coffee night, i just msg her and tell her i need to do coffee and she drops everything for me.
My beautiful interstaters flew down for Jacks funeral to be here for me. something i'll never be able to thank them enough for. i wish i could show them how much it ment to me. i just wish they had of been able to stay longer. i felt like i was out of my own body that day and wasnt very talkative. i wanted to, i just didnt have the energy to do it, i just wanted to crawl into a ball and sleep. i spoke when i was spoken to, smiled when they laughed, but just couldnt find the words to speak, not that there was anything to say really, they already knew everything. i hope they'll forgive me for not being me when they flew half way across the country to be with me.
Then i have my other villagers, most of which i've never met in real life, but feel i've known forever.
Alot of those vllagers have given me gifts so unrepayable over the last few weeks. one in particular bought our boy a star, a real star, named Jack Ian Daly, for the rest of time there is a star in the galaxy thats named after our boy, a gift so overwhelming that i really dont know how to thank her. Then theres the beautiful women who msg me or email every few days to see how i am. most dont expect a reply and are just letting me know that theyre thinking of me. There is so much good in the world, and the true beauties have come out to bloom, i'm truley thankfull for all of them.
All my villagers act as the softest most lush pillow ever made, and they allow me to fall into it as hard as i need to, anytime i need to.
I only hope every babyloss parent has such an amazing village to help them through the dark times
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