Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
this sums up my life perfectly
I am wearing a pair of shoes
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair
.Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are, might make them uncomfortable
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair
.Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are, might make them uncomfortable
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child
Poems that have touched me
What makes a mother?
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.
"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When you baby's not with you?"
"You, you can," He replied
With Confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."
"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...
'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'
"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part.
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.
"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When you baby's not with you?"
"You, you can," He replied
With Confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."
"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...
'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'
"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part.
butterflies
At Jack's funeral we released 12 individual monarch butterflies, they all flew away bar one.
that little butterfly sat on DD2's dress for a while, then flew onto DD1, then onto the headband i was wearing and eventually flew onto the flowers next to Jack's resting place.
The other week i was sitting on the couch looking on the computer, DD1 was at kinder and DD2 was in her room napping. i heard a tapping on the window opposite me, ilooked up and there was a monarch butterfly flapping away in the window
every time i drive my car during the day i see atleast 1 monarch butterfly fly past my windscreen. the other day while out with my mum i looked in the rear view mirror and there was a monarch butterfly following the car.
I was stopped at lights on monday and one nearly flew into my car.
Everytime i return home from somewhere there's always a butterfly here to greet me, last week one tried to come into the front door.
Mum and i had coffee on sunday, while we were waiting to be served a beuatiful monarch butterfly flew through the cafe right near us.
My DF used to laugh at us when we'd mention the butterflies we'd seen. He went to visit Jack last monday at the cemetary, he was starting to cry when a monarch butterfly flew right past his face and settle and on Jack's headstone, now he doesnt laugh at us.
Noone can tell me that i'm more aware of butterflies now and that they've always been there i just hadnt noticed them. our loved ones always show us theyre about, we just need to open our hearts and minds and allow them to do so
that little butterfly sat on DD2's dress for a while, then flew onto DD1, then onto the headband i was wearing and eventually flew onto the flowers next to Jack's resting place.
The other week i was sitting on the couch looking on the computer, DD1 was at kinder and DD2 was in her room napping. i heard a tapping on the window opposite me, ilooked up and there was a monarch butterfly flapping away in the window
every time i drive my car during the day i see atleast 1 monarch butterfly fly past my windscreen. the other day while out with my mum i looked in the rear view mirror and there was a monarch butterfly following the car.
I was stopped at lights on monday and one nearly flew into my car.
Everytime i return home from somewhere there's always a butterfly here to greet me, last week one tried to come into the front door.
Mum and i had coffee on sunday, while we were waiting to be served a beuatiful monarch butterfly flew through the cafe right near us.
My DF used to laugh at us when we'd mention the butterflies we'd seen. He went to visit Jack last monday at the cemetary, he was starting to cry when a monarch butterfly flew right past his face and settle and on Jack's headstone, now he doesnt laugh at us.
Noone can tell me that i'm more aware of butterflies now and that they've always been there i just hadnt noticed them. our loved ones always show us theyre about, we just need to open our hearts and minds and allow them to do so
6 weeks ago
6 weeks ago i birthed my beautiful boy, on monday night he got a new playmate.
I'm still in shock about it, and im almost in a mini grieving process. i'm quite suprise about how this news has affected me, i always felt sad for people when they had misscarriages or late losses, but my heart has never ached for them like it has been doing the last few days.
all i want to do is be by the angels mums side and take it all away from it, i know i can bare this pain, i want to bare her pain so she doesnt feel it anymore.
life is so cruel to people.
Fly free sweet angel, i hope u and Jack are having a tonne of fun up there.
Miss u like crazy baby boy xxx
I'm still in shock about it, and im almost in a mini grieving process. i'm quite suprise about how this news has affected me, i always felt sad for people when they had misscarriages or late losses, but my heart has never ached for them like it has been doing the last few days.
all i want to do is be by the angels mums side and take it all away from it, i know i can bare this pain, i want to bare her pain so she doesnt feel it anymore.
life is so cruel to people.
Fly free sweet angel, i hope u and Jack are having a tonne of fun up there.
Miss u like crazy baby boy xxx
Friday, March 11, 2011
pain
How can a person be in so much pain and not die?
the pain i feel is so totally undescribable, so deep and unwavering. i wake up with it and i go to sleep with it,trudge through my day with it. will it ever leave me alone??
the pain i feel is so totally undescribable, so deep and unwavering. i wake up with it and i go to sleep with it,trudge through my day with it. will it ever leave me alone??
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Back to where we started
Today is not a good day, today i feel like i'm starting the grieving process again.
Today i had an post natal appointment. today i found out what took my son from us, today i feel like dying.
We were told on that tuesday that there were no noticable signs of why he had died, and given he already had a heart defect it was most likely that he had had a sort of heart attack. He didnt, his heart was perfect.
I could deal with the fact it was his heart, something so unpredictable and unpreventable, his heart just wasnt strong enough, this is what ive told myself for the past month.
But no, my body took him, my placenta failed to keep him alive.
The thursday before he died i'd had a scan, they saw that the placenta was starting to slow and asked me to come back on the tuesday to have a look again to decide what to do. before i left i said to the obstetrician, nothing drastic is going to happen between now and then is it?
She said no and that she was probably just being overlly cautious...not cautious enough bitch!
i left there feeling very uneasy about having a placenta that was slowing down. i spent a good few hours talking to my best friend about it and decided if it was still the same on the tuesday i was going to demand to be induced.
i keep being told its not my fault, that i shouldnt blame myself, but i do, i should have followed my gut that it wasnt right. instead i said nothing and now he's gone. I dont know how to deal with this, i dont know how im going to tell Mr man.
i shouldnt be suprised my body failed me, it cant preform the simple task of producing insulin for fuck sake.
'Rapid placental deterioration' thats what they called it.
Next time we'll monitor u more closely, next time we'll take action as soon as we notice a change, next time it will be a different outcome.
Next time???? what the fuck about this time??? was Jack just a guinea pig to 'see' what would happen? to 'see' how far u bastards could push my placenta??
I'm so angry, i hate myself so much.
Obstetrician said nothing about me wanting to try again soon, he said he looked forward to seeing me soon.
Today i had an post natal appointment. today i found out what took my son from us, today i feel like dying.
We were told on that tuesday that there were no noticable signs of why he had died, and given he already had a heart defect it was most likely that he had had a sort of heart attack. He didnt, his heart was perfect.
I could deal with the fact it was his heart, something so unpredictable and unpreventable, his heart just wasnt strong enough, this is what ive told myself for the past month.
But no, my body took him, my placenta failed to keep him alive.
The thursday before he died i'd had a scan, they saw that the placenta was starting to slow and asked me to come back on the tuesday to have a look again to decide what to do. before i left i said to the obstetrician, nothing drastic is going to happen between now and then is it?
She said no and that she was probably just being overlly cautious...not cautious enough bitch!
i left there feeling very uneasy about having a placenta that was slowing down. i spent a good few hours talking to my best friend about it and decided if it was still the same on the tuesday i was going to demand to be induced.
i keep being told its not my fault, that i shouldnt blame myself, but i do, i should have followed my gut that it wasnt right. instead i said nothing and now he's gone. I dont know how to deal with this, i dont know how im going to tell Mr man.
i shouldnt be suprised my body failed me, it cant preform the simple task of producing insulin for fuck sake.
'Rapid placental deterioration' thats what they called it.
Next time we'll monitor u more closely, next time we'll take action as soon as we notice a change, next time it will be a different outcome.
Next time???? what the fuck about this time??? was Jack just a guinea pig to 'see' what would happen? to 'see' how far u bastards could push my placenta??
I'm so angry, i hate myself so much.
Obstetrician said nothing about me wanting to try again soon, he said he looked forward to seeing me soon.
There's a cricket sitting next to me as i write this....there ment to be lucky right?
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
misc (ie- cant think of a relevant title!)
i'm sitting here in complete silence, something i used to enjoy thoroughly. Charlotte is at kinder, izzy's having a nap. Now i hate it! Whenever i sit in true silence i'm taken back to the moment Jack was born....nothing, no sounds, just the humming of the air conditioner.
At home now, its all too similar, but the humming is from the fish tank and Jack is only in my memory.
I have a post natal appointment at the hospital tomorrow, i dont want to go, but i will, i'll take my book and try and drown out all the baby talk around me and the big pregnant bellies.
Mr man and i spoke about another baby the other day, didnt end well. He said he's not sure if he can do it again, which i understood until he elaborated. It has nothing to do with happened to Jack, he's not sure if he can go through the toddler stage again.........yep, purely because he doesnt like listening to kids cry..... my mind dead set exploded. Yes i know Izzy isnt exactly a bundle of joy at the moment, i know listening to her cry for 5 hours straight isnt pleasurable, but it passes, they grow up and before you know they're adults. i will keep working on him about. for me, that isnt a good enough reason.
i know he's telling the truth too, if it was because of Jack he'd say so.
There's so much condtradicting info on 'when' some places say to wait atleast one cycle, some say it takes 12 months to psycolologically recover from loosing a baby, some say theres no need to wait. It's all so confusing. I'm still bleeding so there isnt alot i can do about it at the moment anyway, which is driving me batty, but still i dnt know how long is long enough u know?
in all honesty i dont want to be prgnant again, the thought alone is enough to make me feel sick. but i want the baby at the end. i wish my wanting for another baby would fizzle away and leave me alone. for 12 long months i've wanted another baby in our lives to care for and watch grow with out girls, that hasnt changed one little bit, yeh we had a baby, but he;s not here with us now is he? we dont get to look after him and watch him grow. of course i still want that, i wish my friends could see it that way, not that they can till theyve been in my shoes i suppose....dont really know where this is going
At home now, its all too similar, but the humming is from the fish tank and Jack is only in my memory.
I have a post natal appointment at the hospital tomorrow, i dont want to go, but i will, i'll take my book and try and drown out all the baby talk around me and the big pregnant bellies.
Mr man and i spoke about another baby the other day, didnt end well. He said he's not sure if he can do it again, which i understood until he elaborated. It has nothing to do with happened to Jack, he's not sure if he can go through the toddler stage again.........yep, purely because he doesnt like listening to kids cry..... my mind dead set exploded. Yes i know Izzy isnt exactly a bundle of joy at the moment, i know listening to her cry for 5 hours straight isnt pleasurable, but it passes, they grow up and before you know they're adults. i will keep working on him about. for me, that isnt a good enough reason.
i know he's telling the truth too, if it was because of Jack he'd say so.
There's so much condtradicting info on 'when' some places say to wait atleast one cycle, some say it takes 12 months to psycolologically recover from loosing a baby, some say theres no need to wait. It's all so confusing. I'm still bleeding so there isnt alot i can do about it at the moment anyway, which is driving me batty, but still i dnt know how long is long enough u know?
in all honesty i dont want to be prgnant again, the thought alone is enough to make me feel sick. but i want the baby at the end. i wish my wanting for another baby would fizzle away and leave me alone. for 12 long months i've wanted another baby in our lives to care for and watch grow with out girls, that hasnt changed one little bit, yeh we had a baby, but he;s not here with us now is he? we dont get to look after him and watch him grow. of course i still want that, i wish my friends could see it that way, not that they can till theyve been in my shoes i suppose....dont really know where this is going
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
so tired
i'm so tired today, i can barely keep my eyes open, but i have to incase the kids get into something.
My body feels so heavy, my 6ft frame struggling under my measely 63kgs.
i had my student midwife over today, she's so beautiful, we relived most of the details of Jacks birthing day...maybe thats why im suddenly so tired.
Another day playing tug of war with the dark side, i'll win one of these days and the darkness wont come to get me at all anymore.
until then, there's always yummy cookies!
My body feels so heavy, my 6ft frame struggling under my measely 63kgs.
i had my student midwife over today, she's so beautiful, we relived most of the details of Jacks birthing day...maybe thats why im suddenly so tired.
Another day playing tug of war with the dark side, i'll win one of these days and the darkness wont come to get me at all anymore.
until then, there's always yummy cookies!
Monday, March 7, 2011
strength
You're so strong, so brave, people keep telling me this. But what defines strength?
Do u see me as strong because i dont spend my every waking second crying? do u see me as strong because i go out to social events and mingle with everyone just like i used to? Do u see me as strong because i've buried one of my children and i'm still alive?
If you could garuntee me 150% that if i were to die tomorrow that i'd be reunited with my son, do u not think i'd do it in a heartbeat? But u cant garuntee me that, noone can. The fantasy of the afterlife is much better than the probable reality of things, but if u told me YES if u die your son will meet u at the pearly gates, i'd be there now.
Sometimes at night when everyones gone to bed and i'm alone with my thoughts, i wish i would die, just for an hour or so every night. I'd go to my son, pick him up and cuddle him, take in his every last detail again and tell him i love him, then i'd rock him to sleep and gently put him back into his cot. Then i return to my earth body to take care of my earth children. Such a sweet fantasy, but thats all it will ever be, just a fantasy.
So am i strong? what makes everyone think that i am? sometimes i listen to them tell me im strong and question myself. Are they telling me i'm strong or are they asking me what the fuck is wrong with me because i am out and about and not in the corner rocking and crying? Why arent i in a corner rocking and crying? am i ment to? i feel like i'm hnadling things well, but perhaps i'm not, am i putting on a facade? i dont feel like i am, but maybe thats what grief is doing to me. What stage of grief am i honestly at right now? i have no idea. Maybe i am strong, maybe i'm lying to everyone and myself as well. i have no idea
Do u see me as strong because i dont spend my every waking second crying? do u see me as strong because i go out to social events and mingle with everyone just like i used to? Do u see me as strong because i've buried one of my children and i'm still alive?
If you could garuntee me 150% that if i were to die tomorrow that i'd be reunited with my son, do u not think i'd do it in a heartbeat? But u cant garuntee me that, noone can. The fantasy of the afterlife is much better than the probable reality of things, but if u told me YES if u die your son will meet u at the pearly gates, i'd be there now.
Sometimes at night when everyones gone to bed and i'm alone with my thoughts, i wish i would die, just for an hour or so every night. I'd go to my son, pick him up and cuddle him, take in his every last detail again and tell him i love him, then i'd rock him to sleep and gently put him back into his cot. Then i return to my earth body to take care of my earth children. Such a sweet fantasy, but thats all it will ever be, just a fantasy.
So am i strong? what makes everyone think that i am? sometimes i listen to them tell me im strong and question myself. Are they telling me i'm strong or are they asking me what the fuck is wrong with me because i am out and about and not in the corner rocking and crying? Why arent i in a corner rocking and crying? am i ment to? i feel like i'm hnadling things well, but perhaps i'm not, am i putting on a facade? i dont feel like i am, but maybe thats what grief is doing to me. What stage of grief am i honestly at right now? i have no idea. Maybe i am strong, maybe i'm lying to everyone and myself as well. i have no idea
Friday, March 4, 2011
A memory box
Thats all i have left of my boy, i just bought him a new one, a beautiful white wooden box to put his treasures in.
At the moment his things are in a white box with pretty blue flowers on it given to us by the hospital, but its too small.
in reality i have a giant room sized memory box, full of things bought just for him. hopefully we can give our girls another brother so those things get to be used.
I have his photo's at the very bottom of the box, may seem cruel but i like the fact that i have to go through everything to get to them, some days i do it quickly, other days i take my time.
His box has the little shoes i bought to bring him home in, i discovered recently that those little shoes wouldnt have fit him anyway, i measured them against his footprints, my big footed little man, no wonder my ribs felt like they'd break while i was pregnant with him.
It has his yellow singlet and white body suit we put him in when he was born, the body suit says one in a million, he truley was.
It has his hospital bands, cord clamp and two locks of his hair, both in little baggies that i dare not take out for fear of loosing a single strand of his gorgeous hair in the carpet to be vaccumed up. i often hold the little baggie up into the sunlight to see its true colour.
It has the thinking of u cards we recieved from family and friends.
It has his 'my name is' hospital card in it, declaring him mine and Mr Mans.
It has letters from friends who sent gifts while i was pregnant.
It has the little triangle box that contained a single monarch butterfly that each of our family memebers released at his funeral.
A tiny little box, all thats left, full of his special treasures
At the moment his things are in a white box with pretty blue flowers on it given to us by the hospital, but its too small.
in reality i have a giant room sized memory box, full of things bought just for him. hopefully we can give our girls another brother so those things get to be used.
I have his photo's at the very bottom of the box, may seem cruel but i like the fact that i have to go through everything to get to them, some days i do it quickly, other days i take my time.
His box has the little shoes i bought to bring him home in, i discovered recently that those little shoes wouldnt have fit him anyway, i measured them against his footprints, my big footed little man, no wonder my ribs felt like they'd break while i was pregnant with him.
It has his yellow singlet and white body suit we put him in when he was born, the body suit says one in a million, he truley was.
It has his hospital bands, cord clamp and two locks of his hair, both in little baggies that i dare not take out for fear of loosing a single strand of his gorgeous hair in the carpet to be vaccumed up. i often hold the little baggie up into the sunlight to see its true colour.
It has the thinking of u cards we recieved from family and friends.
It has his 'my name is' hospital card in it, declaring him mine and Mr Mans.
It has letters from friends who sent gifts while i was pregnant.
It has the little triangle box that contained a single monarch butterfly that each of our family memebers released at his funeral.
A tiny little box, all thats left, full of his special treasures
Why blog if nobody reads it?
When we went to the funeral home to view our sons coffin the lady there said that writing can be theraputic.
i laughed internally when she said that. I remember as a school girl getting journals and diaries, i always promised my diary that i'd write in it once a week....i rarely ever got past 2 pages before forgetting about it. But maybe she was right, i blog, i write my inner most feelings on this page, but whats the point if nobody reads? do i even want anyone to read all of this?
At the moment blogging calms my mind, i can come on here and vomit all the things that are swimming around in my head constantly, releasing those words and feelings so that no longer clog up my brain, after i do i feel better, its out there now,out of my head and onto a screen where i can read it and not have to think it anymore.
i dont do many facebook status' anymore, i dont want to depress my friends with my thoughts and have them get tired of sending me cyber hugs. Truth be told, i love the cyber hugs as much as i love real ones, noone hugs me anymore, only Mr man and the kids, it would be nice to see some of my online friends to get real hugs. maybe one day i'll post a link to this blog on my facebook pge and let them all read it, then again maybe i wont. the thought of it for some reason makes me feel vulnerable, i dont know why. My friends wont see it that way, they'll all tell me they love me and theyre thinking of me, my friends, my villagers.
i have amazing friends, my best friend and i do coffee every sunday night, we've done so for the past 3 or 4 years, once a week we sit for hours and verbally vomit on each other, releasing the weeks goings on and our true feelings towards matters. There's barely been a week we've missed, the odd illness has kept us home and special occasions, but even the weeks we had our children we were back doing coffee, debriefing on the event. i love her, she's like my clone, we're so simliar in our thought patterns, but then so totally different in other ways. She lets me talk about Jack whenever i need to, even if its not coffee night, i just msg her and tell her i need to do coffee and she drops everything for me.
I have my interstaters. my crazy crazy coconuts. i love them all dearly, there hasnt been a day in the last two or so years since meeting that we havent spoken. They keep me sane, they tell it how it is.
My beautiful interstaters flew down for Jacks funeral to be here for me. something i'll never be able to thank them enough for. i wish i could show them how much it ment to me. i just wish they had of been able to stay longer. i felt like i was out of my own body that day and wasnt very talkative. i wanted to, i just didnt have the energy to do it, i just wanted to crawl into a ball and sleep. i spoke when i was spoken to, smiled when they laughed, but just couldnt find the words to speak, not that there was anything to say really, they already knew everything. i hope they'll forgive me for not being me when they flew half way across the country to be with me.
Then i have my other villagers, most of which i've never met in real life, but feel i've known forever.
Alot of those vllagers have given me gifts so unrepayable over the last few weeks. one in particular bought our boy a star, a real star, named Jack Ian Daly, for the rest of time there is a star in the galaxy thats named after our boy, a gift so overwhelming that i really dont know how to thank her. Then theres the beautiful women who msg me or email every few days to see how i am. most dont expect a reply and are just letting me know that theyre thinking of me. There is so much good in the world, and the true beauties have come out to bloom, i'm truley thankfull for all of them.
All my villagers act as the softest most lush pillow ever made, and they allow me to fall into it as hard as i need to, anytime i need to.
I only hope every babyloss parent has such an amazing village to help them through the dark times
i laughed internally when she said that. I remember as a school girl getting journals and diaries, i always promised my diary that i'd write in it once a week....i rarely ever got past 2 pages before forgetting about it. But maybe she was right, i blog, i write my inner most feelings on this page, but whats the point if nobody reads? do i even want anyone to read all of this?
At the moment blogging calms my mind, i can come on here and vomit all the things that are swimming around in my head constantly, releasing those words and feelings so that no longer clog up my brain, after i do i feel better, its out there now,out of my head and onto a screen where i can read it and not have to think it anymore.
i dont do many facebook status' anymore, i dont want to depress my friends with my thoughts and have them get tired of sending me cyber hugs. Truth be told, i love the cyber hugs as much as i love real ones, noone hugs me anymore, only Mr man and the kids, it would be nice to see some of my online friends to get real hugs. maybe one day i'll post a link to this blog on my facebook pge and let them all read it, then again maybe i wont. the thought of it for some reason makes me feel vulnerable, i dont know why. My friends wont see it that way, they'll all tell me they love me and theyre thinking of me, my friends, my villagers.
i have amazing friends, my best friend and i do coffee every sunday night, we've done so for the past 3 or 4 years, once a week we sit for hours and verbally vomit on each other, releasing the weeks goings on and our true feelings towards matters. There's barely been a week we've missed, the odd illness has kept us home and special occasions, but even the weeks we had our children we were back doing coffee, debriefing on the event. i love her, she's like my clone, we're so simliar in our thought patterns, but then so totally different in other ways. She lets me talk about Jack whenever i need to, even if its not coffee night, i just msg her and tell her i need to do coffee and she drops everything for me.
My beautiful interstaters flew down for Jacks funeral to be here for me. something i'll never be able to thank them enough for. i wish i could show them how much it ment to me. i just wish they had of been able to stay longer. i felt like i was out of my own body that day and wasnt very talkative. i wanted to, i just didnt have the energy to do it, i just wanted to crawl into a ball and sleep. i spoke when i was spoken to, smiled when they laughed, but just couldnt find the words to speak, not that there was anything to say really, they already knew everything. i hope they'll forgive me for not being me when they flew half way across the country to be with me.
Then i have my other villagers, most of which i've never met in real life, but feel i've known forever.
Alot of those vllagers have given me gifts so unrepayable over the last few weeks. one in particular bought our boy a star, a real star, named Jack Ian Daly, for the rest of time there is a star in the galaxy thats named after our boy, a gift so overwhelming that i really dont know how to thank her. Then theres the beautiful women who msg me or email every few days to see how i am. most dont expect a reply and are just letting me know that theyre thinking of me. There is so much good in the world, and the true beauties have come out to bloom, i'm truley thankfull for all of them.
All my villagers act as the softest most lush pillow ever made, and they allow me to fall into it as hard as i need to, anytime i need to.
I only hope every babyloss parent has such an amazing village to help them through the dark times
Thursday, March 3, 2011
*Humph*
Another shitty emotional day.
Izzy is sick and not sleeping, i think the lack of sleep is compounding everything at the moment.
Poor Mr man i feel like i'm neglecting him, i did a runner after dinner to do some shopping for clothes for the kids, i left him on sunday for a few hours too. i should do something nice for him, maybe some cuddles on the couch tomorrow night. scrap that, footy is on tomorrow night.i know what he really wants but not sure im ready to do that yet, we've already tried and it didnt end so well....story for another day!
i went to mums after shopping, left with a smile on my face because we talked about Jack. i didnt even bring him up, she did. feeling better than i did this afternoon and i have a stack of new clothes to make me look like a normal person too, score
Izzy is sick and not sleeping, i think the lack of sleep is compounding everything at the moment.
Poor Mr man i feel like i'm neglecting him, i did a runner after dinner to do some shopping for clothes for the kids, i left him on sunday for a few hours too. i should do something nice for him, maybe some cuddles on the couch tomorrow night. scrap that, footy is on tomorrow night.i know what he really wants but not sure im ready to do that yet, we've already tried and it didnt end so well....story for another day!
i went to mums after shopping, left with a smile on my face because we talked about Jack. i didnt even bring him up, she did. feeling better than i did this afternoon and i have a stack of new clothes to make me look like a normal person too, score
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
what now?
I feel like im sitting completely still, unable to move or speak. The rest of the world passing me by in fast forward.
Our routine, everyones routine has return to normal and it feels so wrong.
The 'i should be's' are killing me, i should be having a cold dinner eating one handed while breastfeeding my baby, i should be snuggling in my bed feeding my baby, i should be putting my baby in the second seat in the pram, i should have a totally trashed house because my hours are so full with a child, toddler and a new born.
But im having hot meals, my house is spotless, my breasts leak the goodness that should be nourishing my baby...
I really need to stop with the i should be's.
i've missed Jack alot today, nothing particular about today has triggered it.
3 weeks since we saw our son and kissed him goodbye.
i need my sparkle back, i feel so flat and lifeless at the moment. i;m still tired, not as achey, but still so so tired. trying to eat well and drink heaps of water, slowly getting back into excersize, trying to get my body back to what it was. SPD is still lingering but not nearly as bad as it was thank goodness. hopefully my body is kind to me and it doesnt return next time.
Our routine, everyones routine has return to normal and it feels so wrong.
The 'i should be's' are killing me, i should be having a cold dinner eating one handed while breastfeeding my baby, i should be snuggling in my bed feeding my baby, i should be putting my baby in the second seat in the pram, i should have a totally trashed house because my hours are so full with a child, toddler and a new born.
But im having hot meals, my house is spotless, my breasts leak the goodness that should be nourishing my baby...
I really need to stop with the i should be's.
i've missed Jack alot today, nothing particular about today has triggered it.
3 weeks since we saw our son and kissed him goodbye.
i need my sparkle back, i feel so flat and lifeless at the moment. i;m still tired, not as achey, but still so so tired. trying to eat well and drink heaps of water, slowly getting back into excersize, trying to get my body back to what it was. SPD is still lingering but not nearly as bad as it was thank goodness. hopefully my body is kind to me and it doesnt return next time.
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