Rainbow is gone

title says it all i think.
im sick of being tested, im sick of prooving my strength to the universe, why? leave me the fuck alone now please, im not a bad person, i do not deserve this shit.
i know why mums kill themselves after loosing a child now, its not to be with their babies, its the thought of finally having no pain, some days it looks like a better option instead of living this crap every day, not that i could ever leave my earth babies like that.

i may or may not have fucked up a few friendships.
i told 2 close friends that i needed a break from them, theyve both told me theyre trying for a baby.
it didnt go down so well. i knew they wouldnt get it, but i didnt expect to be made to feel like the biggest asshole in the universe.
i dont get it though one of the friends hasnt talked to me in i dont know how long, she tells me how hurt and how sad she is that i need to take a step back, but she cant even send me so much as a txt msg saying, hey sorry i havent been online lately, just seeing how u are...it takes what...all of 2 minutes to do that? i get people are busy, but im sure u can spare 2 minutes

think about it for a second, you're going to post ultrasound photos. the last time i looked at an ultrasound my son was laying there perfectly still, why the fuck do u think id be ok looking at your happy healthy growing baby? i didnt even know if i want to look at my own ultrasound photos when the time comes! whats the point in oooing and ahhhing and getting attatched to a little person if theres no garuntee that your going to get to keep them?
you're going to post belly photo's, i cant even bring myself to do grocery shopping some days because i dont want to see pregnant people.
You're going to post photos of your baby, and unintention slap in the face to me saying look what i have and u cant.
dont get me wrong i am happy for my friends to be expanding their families, but really? its only been 4 months, not 4 years, what part of telling me, hey ur son just died but we're going to have another baby soon did u think id be ok with?
i was talking to sam about it and she said that if her and her hubby wanted antoher baby there would be no way in hell she'd even think about trying until i told her it was ok, god love her.
i dont expect anyone to put their lives on hold on account of me, but i wish people would understand that my thoughts, feelings and reactions are valid, even if you really cant understand them.
i dont know when or even if i'll be ok with it, maybe i will be once i have a living baby, maybe i wont i dont know, its not a question i can answer right now. i just need a break to work on coping strategies and acceptance of this.

Dear Jack

Dear Jack,
Today i found out that your little brother or sister is growing in my belly.
Please guide this baby to mummy and daddy safely.
If they have to be with u in heaven please takt them soon, i couldnt bare to hold a baby that looks like you in my arms again knowing that they cant stay.
Thank you for this Jack, keep me sane, keep me calm, keep me safe.
I love you little boy
Mummy xxx

making babies

We're in month 2 of the baby making game, how funny is it for me to say that this is the longest we've tried! pmsl, sad huh?
BFF says i can just look at Mr man and fall pregnant, sad but true.
Last month was bust, cycles are still a bit short, day 14 i thought i was getting my period, turns out it was ovulation pains! ah well, cant rush these things, just have to trust my body to do its thing, which given it stop supporting my baby and stopped making insulin, both very basic things, im really struggling to trust it.
I've been having second thoughts on having another baby, im not sure im ready yet.
I've just started riding again, prospect to buy a horse in sep/oct, i love rding, i feel free when its just me and a pony.
The girls are growing and growing izzy's becoming a little girl more and more everyday, not my little bubba anymore. Cha starts school next yr, i dont know if i want to be carting a newborn to and from school in those first few weeks. and to be honest im really just enjoying having the girls.
I dunno, maybe now that we're actually trying its scaring me that it could happen. Iworry about how my body will handle another pregnancy so soon, iz was 7 months old when i fell with Jack, not exactly back too back but very very close. after this baby is born, regardless of the outcome, thats it, no more, im so done with having babies.
Im travelling ok i guess, the further away we get from Jacks birthday the more it feels like a dream (read nightmare) and didnt actually happen.

no christmas baby for us :(

*sigh* AF just showed, early!
this cycle was 28 days instead of my usual 32, beats a 14 day cycle though i suppose.
and the bit that pisses me off the most? i did a HPT this morning, negative obviously, and then the bitch shows up in the arvo! one of my mega pet peeves, if it had of just been there this morning i wouldnt have wasted $9 on a bloody test