misc (ie- cant think of a relevant title!)

i'm sitting here in complete silence, something i used to enjoy thoroughly. Charlotte is at kinder, izzy's having a nap. Now i hate it! Whenever i sit in true silence i'm taken back to the moment Jack was born....nothing, no sounds, just the humming of the air conditioner.
At home now, its all too similar, but the humming is from the fish tank and Jack is only in my memory.

I have a post natal appointment at the hospital tomorrow, i dont want to go, but i will, i'll take my book and try and drown out all the baby talk around me and the big pregnant bellies.

Mr man and i spoke about another baby the other day, didnt end well. He said he's not sure if he can do it again, which i understood until he elaborated. It has nothing to do with happened to Jack, he's not sure if he can go through the toddler stage again.........yep, purely because he doesnt like listening to kids cry..... my mind dead set exploded. Yes i know Izzy isnt exactly a bundle of joy at the moment, i know listening to her cry for 5 hours straight isnt pleasurable, but it passes, they grow up and before you know they're adults. i will keep working on him about. for me, that isnt a good enough reason.
i know he's telling the truth too, if it was because of Jack he'd say so.
There's so much condtradicting info on 'when' some places say to wait atleast one cycle, some say it takes 12 months to psycolologically recover from loosing a baby, some say theres no need to wait. It's all so confusing. I'm still bleeding so there isnt alot i can do about it at the moment anyway, which is driving me batty, but still i dnt know how long is long enough u know?
in all honesty i dont want to be prgnant again, the thought alone is enough to make me feel sick. but i want the baby at the end. i wish my wanting for another baby would fizzle away and leave me alone. for 12 long months i've wanted another baby in our lives to care for and watch grow with out girls, that hasnt changed one little bit, yeh we had a baby, but he;s not here with us now is he? we dont get to look after him and watch him grow. of course i still want that, i wish my friends could see it that way, not that they can till theyve been in my shoes i suppose....dont really know where this is going