Yearnings

I've got that yearning again, the same one i had in the weeks before Jacks conception.
i want need to be pregnant.
You might think i'm nuts wanting another baby so soon after loosing Jack, but i can assure i'm not. apparently its a normal reaction to have after babyloss. you go through a whole entire pregnancy, all the aches and pains and complaints and u birth that beautiful baby and come home with nothing. 9 months of prepairing, 9 months of organising, 9 months of shopping, 9 months of dreaming....and nothing.

i need to do it, to know it wasnt my body that took Jack, to feel life growing and moving inside me again, for some hope and some light, something to look forward to.

The thought of being pregnant again scares me shitless, i know it wont be an easy ride, i know i wont breathe until that baby is in my arms, a baby who turns pink, a baby born warm that stays warm, a baby that comes home with us.

I've spoken very briefly to Mr man about it, he said he didnt know if he could, which i totally understand.
But i have a brand new boori cot that needs a baby in it, i have a wardrobe full of clothes and cloth nappies that need to be worn, i have a brand new swing that needs to settle a cranky baby, a brand new bouncer that needs to hold a sleeping baby, a brand new playmat that needs to see eyes of wonder and excitement. but most importantly i have empty arms that need to be filled.