Rainbow is gone

title says it all i think.
im sick of being tested, im sick of prooving my strength to the universe, why? leave me the fuck alone now please, im not a bad person, i do not deserve this shit.
i know why mums kill themselves after loosing a child now, its not to be with their babies, its the thought of finally having no pain, some days it looks like a better option instead of living this crap every day, not that i could ever leave my earth babies like that.

i may or may not have fucked up a few friendships.
i told 2 close friends that i needed a break from them, theyve both told me theyre trying for a baby.
it didnt go down so well. i knew they wouldnt get it, but i didnt expect to be made to feel like the biggest asshole in the universe.
i dont get it though one of the friends hasnt talked to me in i dont know how long, she tells me how hurt and how sad she is that i need to take a step back, but she cant even send me so much as a txt msg saying, hey sorry i havent been online lately, just seeing how u are...it takes what...all of 2 minutes to do that? i get people are busy, but im sure u can spare 2 minutes

think about it for a second, you're going to post ultrasound photos. the last time i looked at an ultrasound my son was laying there perfectly still, why the fuck do u think id be ok looking at your happy healthy growing baby? i didnt even know if i want to look at my own ultrasound photos when the time comes! whats the point in oooing and ahhhing and getting attatched to a little person if theres no garuntee that your going to get to keep them?
you're going to post belly photo's, i cant even bring myself to do grocery shopping some days because i dont want to see pregnant people.
You're going to post photos of your baby, and unintention slap in the face to me saying look what i have and u cant.
dont get me wrong i am happy for my friends to be expanding their families, but really? its only been 4 months, not 4 years, what part of telling me, hey ur son just died but we're going to have another baby soon did u think id be ok with?
i was talking to sam about it and she said that if her and her hubby wanted antoher baby there would be no way in hell she'd even think about trying until i told her it was ok, god love her.
i dont expect anyone to put their lives on hold on account of me, but i wish people would understand that my thoughts, feelings and reactions are valid, even if you really cant understand them.
i dont know when or even if i'll be ok with it, maybe i will be once i have a living baby, maybe i wont i dont know, its not a question i can answer right now. i just need a break to work on coping strategies and acceptance of this.